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| | | | My confusion causing epiphany |
Monday I woke up with a migraine. FUCK!
It made me wish I’d stayed for the third rotation and indulged in more Jelly Juice. At least then I would have earned it.
I laid in bed, head pounding considering my options.
I could call in sick, after all I am and I don’t have the kids today.
However I need the money and calling in sick (even if you are) on a
holiday Monday is lame at best. Nobody is going to believe it’s legit
and nobody is going to cover your shift.
So I hauled my ass out of bed and went in search of pain killers.
Three Tylenol Extra Strength and two Advil Liqui-Gels later I was out the door.
With the kids at their dad’s I didn’t have the van so I was bound by bus.
Turns out on holidays bus service in my neighborhood doesn’t start till almost 9am. FUCK!!
The rain was cold and I didn’t have an umbrella which made the 20+ minute walk to South Keys suck extra hard.
My head was still pounding when I got to the bus station so I took two Tylenol Menstrual Extra Strength.
By the time I got to work my head is throbbing a painless rhythm. SW – 1, Migraine – 0.
Subsequently I can’t feel my face and I’m kinda spaced out…but my migraine is under control.
The restaurant is quiet and we mull around thinking it’s going to stay
quiet. After all…none of the government workers at work, people are at
the cottage and it’s raining.
How very, very wrong we were.
I looked at the clock at 9 and again at 2.
I hustled my ass as a busser and take-out thanking my lucky stars I wasn’t a server that day.
Finally, finally, finally my work day ended.
I dragged my weary ass to the bus and enjoyed a seat for once where I could read some of my book.
When I got to my transfer point I discovered that my next bus isn’t for another 45 min. FUCK!!!
I called my mother hoping for a ride, but alas…no answer.
Do I save time, get home sooner and walk OR do I give into my tired, sore body and sit to wait?
I decided to walk. I could use the exercise.
About half way through my shins are screaming at me. I’m cold, tired, sore and feeling very alone.
Suddenly I realize I’ve kind of always been alone.
Yes I have friends who love me but they all have lives that are as busy (if not busier than) mine.
As
a child I didn’t have many friends and my family, while they tried to
understand, couldn’t possibly comprehend my reality. Some still
don’t…or won’t.
When I was married he tried, by god he tried, but
long work hours and my deep depression still left me increasingly
isolated. Not to mention the physical movement from Ottawa to Winchester.
Now as a single mother I’ve found myself with varying degrees of detached men.
I have to rely only on myself. I've always had to rely on myself.
If I need something I have only me. If I want something I have only me.
Every scrap of life I have I’ve had to fight for, earn.
I don’t have the Midas touch. I haven’t had everything handed to me.
I know people like that.
Sometimes I envy those people so much it hurts.
But as I walked home cold, sore, tired and alone I realized something.
I will always, truly be O.K.
Yah, it’s kinda my motto, “I’ll always be O.K.” but yesterday it really hit me.
I know how to fight. I know how to scrounge. I know how to pinch a penny. I can see the silver lining in almost everything.
If Maslow were looking at this situation….I can personally take care of
the first two tiers all by my self. I will NEVER need another person
for that. EVER!
Given the amount of fight and struggle I’ve had, that’s a big thing for me.
Monday I thought to myself that if push came to shove I was so
independent I could take care of the majority of the rest of the tiers
on my own.
I wouldn’t need anyone to make me feel loved, to make me feel esteem, to make me feel emotionally content.
After all…to date I haven’t.
Even when I did…I didn’t.
But today as I showered and thought on this very blog I realized that for the first time in as far back as I can remember…I do.
I have someone for whom I turn to for the love and support.
I have an emotional NEED for someone.
This scares the living fuck out of me.
I want nothing more than to care for him fully and completely and
beyond that I want him to take care of me fully and completely.
I trust him with me. I trust him to do that.
Is my independence broken or, is it more complete now that I am learning to really, truly share it?
4 Comments
Friday May-23-08 5:53 AM |
 | | 411: | | Gloucester, Ontario | | Stats: | | age 27 hitched female | | Seeking: | | singles&couples for friend | | Last On: | | Sep-6-08 4:38 PM |
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